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February 2010

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Michiru

im_not_at_home in rebwriting

Feb Week 1 Contest Entry

The Strange Case of the Agreeable
-by im_not_at_home
Prompt: Brigit's Flame: Birds of a Feather...
Rating: G
Author's Note: I'm working on a story about a girl who goes to hell and what she finds there. Feedback is always appreciated.


As I made my way down the hill, I became more accustomed to my surroundings. I was no longer a mess. I was a young woman who died and was in hell. A young woman in hell; hell-bent on escape.
I hadn’t run into very many souls yet. Mostly lone souls who were yammering gibberish to themselves. Not very useful. I needed someone who would talk to me, or at least. Human, demon, whatever. I just needed to gather information.

It doesn’t really matter if they lie to me or not. I am excellent at reading people.

Finally, after what felt like eternity, I met someone who wasn’t mumbling to themselves. Truth be told, when I approached it, I wasn’t much sure what it was. It was huge; at least two stories tall, and brown. It looked porous. Millions, or billions, of small holes perforating its surface.

“Good day!” I greeted them with a confident smile. Faking sincerity and confidence can get you everywhere.

“Indeed it is,” the colossal blob replied.

“Have you been here long?” I asked politely.

“Yes, indeed.”

“You must know a lot,” I offered. People love to believe that they’re experts, I hoped demons were likewise.

“That’s right,” the beast said as it shifted comfortably.

“Do you know the way out?”

“Do you want to know the way out?”

“Of course!” I said, excited. “Who wouldn’t?!”

“I know the way out…”

“Tell me please,” I begged.

“You shall be told.”

I waited as the beast shifted, and stood silently. I had been trying to find eyes on it for a while. Or even a mouth. I could hear it speak.

“Will you tell me how to escape this wretched pit?” I asked again.

“Yes,” the blob hissed.

I finally noticed it. The blob was not just a blob. It was made up of souls. The holes were the eye sockets and mouths of souls.

“You won’t get any answers from that,” a little black masked fox said, that had just appeared besides me. “It’s Agreeable, it will only agree with whatever you say.”

“Well that’s a waste of time,” I said frustrated.

“Most things here are,” the fox replied.

Comments

Ahahah. Sounds like an infernal version of Alice in Wonderland. I like it! Very cute.
:-) I'm glad you like it!
I agree with rephen -- very Alice. :-) I felt the vibe about halfway in and said, "Ooo, here comes Mr. Cheshire!" Lol. Good job.
Thanks for the feedback. You know, I had never thought of any of the characters as being analogous to Alice in Wonderland characters. :-)
Hello and welcome to the FLAME!

You're on to something here, methinks. And like the darling rephen and the lovely mistvieh have already said, I find it a bit Alice-y :D

Now, my two cents would be this: I'm quite the sucker for landscapes! I would suggest that you give us some detail about your girl's surroundings there in hell. What is she seeing? Is there actually the smell of fire and brimstone burning her nostrils? Is the sky red and hazy or does the place remind her of the town she lived in as a child?

I'm anxious to see what you can do with the other prompts this month!
:-D Excellent ideas, thank you very much. I don't have much experience writing landscapes. I hope my next entry is better.
Ohh. Very nice. I like it.
And I like your cute icon :-D
That was cool. The idea's brilliant. Like everyone else, it really is like Alice in Wonderland! :D
Thank you! :-)
Very mysterious! You really have my curiosity piqued. I want to know all about your protagonist. How did she die? Why is she in hell? I like that you do not name her, it is very in keeping with the mythos, that hell/ becoming a tortured soul involves a certain loss of identity. And the inclusion of the fox at the end only adds to the mystery.

I also definitely agree with the above comments, that this is a great beginning to an explorative, "Alice"-style adventure. Looking forward to more of your writing :D